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How to Meditate: Meditation 101 for Beginners
10 Science-Backed Benefits of Meditation
What is Meditation?
How to Meditate: Meditation 101 for Beginners
10 Science-Backed Benefits of Meditation
What is Meditation?
Benefits of Mindfulness: Mindful Living Can Change Your Life
Mindfulness 101: A Beginner's Guide
00:00
00:00
Duration
In this talk, we will explore a 4-step strategy to navigate difficult conversations.
Welcome.
This session is going to be a talk about
a communication strategy you can use in
your partnership with your children or
in just relationships in day-to-day life.
It's a nonviolent communication
technique, which was created by
Marshall Rosenberg, which you can use
specifically to respond to something that
feels activating or triggering in you.
Have you found yourself in those
moments where somebody does something,
it creates a nervous system response,
and then maybe you go into blame,
frustration, or reaction that
doesn't actually feel aligned with
how you'd most want to respond?
It just seems to happen quickly.
This is a four step framework that
you can use to meet a person in that
place so that you're honoring your
own needs, values, boundaries, and
also finding a way to move forward.
So I'll share the framework and then we'll
explore what it can look like in practice.
So somebody says something
that is activating for you.
You would respond when you say blank.
I feel blank because I need blank.
And then you make a request.
Would you be willing to blank?
So let's take an example.
Let's say you're in an argument,
conversation argument, and the person just
says, you just need to figure this out.
And you feel that wave of
frustration, heat coming up the body.
So in that moment, there's
probably a chance that we might
say something like, how dare you?
Right?
So now we just go quickly into blaming.
But we want to first start by honoring,
acknowledging our own experience.
And we want to be able to offer specific
feedback that the thing that the person
did that is creating this feeling for us,
because often we don't give that feedback.
So we would say, Hey, when you say
you just need to figure this out,
I feel hurt because I need to feel
like we're on a team together.
And that makes me feel like
you're pushing me away.
Is this something you can work on with me?
When you say this, I feel
this because I need this.
Would you be willing to this?
So do you see how that works?
You're naming specifically what the
person did that created the response.
You're naming what that response
was, so you're owning it.
You're not saying you created this.
You're saying when you
did this, I felt this.
And that's a very human way to interact.
It's a very adult, mature way to interact.
This happened, and I had this response.
You're owning your response and now
you're owning the need underlying
that response, a deeper value that you
have that is creating this reaction.
Now, sometimes you can do this
reflection and realize, oh wow, this
deeper need is maybe coming from a,
an unresolved trauma or a need that
maybe comes from a place of not feeling
safe or it's me feeling fearful.
And it could be something that you
want to work on yourself rather
than saying that this person is
responsible for giving this to me.
And of course, no person is
responsible for giving us our needs.
We meet in partnership to explore
what that integration can look
like and how we may be able to
offer something to another person.
But on a deep level, if we are expecting
another person to be the one that
gives us all of our needs, that's
going to create a lot of tension.
And so there are some deeper wounds
that can create this feeling of
like, I need you to be this for me,
in a way that actually doesn't feel
like our most mature, evolved self.
So doing this reflection can
get us more in touch with that.
But often the need is, is something
that's real in a relationship.
And in this case, it was, I feel
like I need to be on a team with you.
This feels important to me.
So when you say this, I feel
this because I need this.
And then making an offer.
Would you be willing to this?
In this case, would you be
willing to work on this with me?
Very simple general requests, but
they can become more specific.
Now you might be hearing this framework
and thinking, all right, Cory,
nice communication strategy tips.
But there's no way I would
talked to my partner in that way.
You know, maybe it doesn't
fit your relationship dynamic.
And I get that.
There are certain relationships
where maybe I could talk in this
way and then other relationships,
you know, friendships, I think
of from years ago where this
doesn't feel like it fits as much.
However, I do think you can use this
framework and just adjust the tone.
So let's take this same
scenario and I'll, I'll try on a
slightly different personality.
So someone says, you just
need to figure this out.
And you would respond, hey, you know,
when, when you say something like
that, like you just need to figure
this out, I really don't like that.
I really don't.
It, it, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
It actually hurts.
And it's because I, I need to
feel like we're, we're on a team,
like we're doing this together.
So is that something that we can work
on, that you'd be willing to work on?
So do you see how it's, it's the
same languaging, but it's a slightly
different tone that might meet a
different relationship dynamic.
Of course, there are an infinite
number of permutations of what this
can look like, what it can sound
like, but the core framework is sound.
And it is a great way to step
out of blame to be really
specific on offering feedback.
When you said this
specifically, I felt this.
This was it.
I felt this.
I felt this because I need this.
I have this need.
These are all mature aspects of two
people coming together expressing
themselves and working through
the messiness of, of intimacy.
Now, you know, intimacy referring
to any sort of closeness.
So this can be in your partnership.
But you can also apply this to parenting
with your children and also friendships
or relationships with, with other family
members where it can get really messy.
And then at the end,
the end is, is optional.
But I think it's important.
It's would you be willing to this?
And you can change that up to fit whatever
sort of requests you might want to make.
But it's showing a way forward.
So I think this can be a powerful
communication strategy for you
to implement into your life
and into your relationships.
At the very least, I think it's something
that can help you get clear on what you're
feeling after somebody does something that
makes you feel activated in a certain way.
And you can go off on your own and
reflect on it through this model.
Okay.
What was said?
How did I feel?
What is my need here?
And what would I actually
be asking of them?
Whether or not you bring that to
the relationship is up to you,
but I do think it can be helpful
for us to get clarity when we're
feeling a bit soupy in our emotions.
So I hope this gives you something
to practice in your life.
Thank you for your practice.
I'll talk to you soon.
And until next time, take care.
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