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Letting Go of Blame

Melli O'Brien



Melli O'Brien



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Letting Go of Blame

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Hi, and welcome to your Daily Mindfulness.

Today I'm going to talk

about letting go of blame.

So we've probably all experienced

times where we feel hurt,

disappointment and our first instinct

is to start pointing the finger.

This is blame.

And we've all done.

It we've all been there.

It's the habit of making other people

or other things wrong or responsible

when difficult or painful things happen.

So according to research, professor,

author, and speaker, Brené Brown, we

mostly blame when we're in pain or angry.

And she says, "Here's what we know

from the research, blame is simply the

discharging of discomfort and pain.

And it has an inverse

relationship with accountability.

Blaming is a way we

mainly discharge anger."

So the problem with blaming is two-fold.

Firstly as Brené mentions here, blame has

what she calls an inverse relationship

with accountability, which means when

we're stuck in blaming, we get defensive.

And so we miss out on an opportunity

to look honestly and gently at

ourselves and the part that we had

to play in things and how we might

learn and grow from all of this.

Instead what we do in our minds,

we do this kind of thing where we

create wrongdoers and rightdoers,

and this kind of black and white.

And we might even feel

justified to punish and attack.

We'll get revenge on the other side.

We also get stuck in as you know,

a lot of negativity and anger.

Second problem with blaming is we

also miss out on the possibility of

having an honest, open and empathetic

conversation to hold people accountable

for their actions and ask for change.

So holding people accountable takes

a lot more grit, courage, kindness,

and self-awareness than blaming,

shaming, attacking or fault finding.

So here's the takeaway.

The moment that we place blame, we

also undermine our resolve to create

change both within and without.

So it's fundamentally a really

disempowering thing to do to ourselves.

In the words of Andy Stanley, "People

who blame things, rarely change things.

Blame is an unassailable

change avoidance strategy."

But the moment we take back our

personal responsibility, we also

take back our power because we are

grounding ourselves here in presence,

compassion, integrity, and acceptance.

And when we take action from that state

of being, we get a whole different result.

And, you know, I know this is not easy.

I can attest to that firsthand.

But I can also attest to the fact

that it's incredibly empowering,

loving, and healing to take

back our power in this way.

So by stepping out of the blame game,

we break the cycle of attack and

defense, promote peace within ourselves,

with each other and with the world.

So the next time you feel that urge to

place blame, just seeing, if you can

take a pause, take a gentle look at what

part you might've had to play in things

and be curious and open to how you might

learn and grow from the experience.

And if communication is needed with the

other person, go ahead and do that with

compassion and clarity and non-judgment,

and open-heartedness as best you can.

It's a practice.

So in today's meditation,

we'll continue to cultivate

this attitude of non-judgment.

So I invite you to settle in for that now.

And as always, thank you

sincerely for doing this work.

Thank you for your practice and

for your presence here with us.

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