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Benefits of Mindfulness: Mindful Living Can Change Your Life
Mindfulness 101: A Beginner's Guide
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Lori shares how learned to cultivate self-forgiveness, self-compassion and freed herself from getting caught up in emotional reactivity.
I'm your host Melli O'Brien
and I couldn't be more pleased
to be here with Lori Deshene.
Lori is the founder of TinyBuddha.com
and this is one of my favorite websites.
TinyBuddha.com is a multi-author blog
where people share their stories about
how they've tried to really apply
wisdom or mindfulness in their lives.
And it has grown a lot since
it's humble beginnings.
And I think it's now getting a million
or close to a million monthly visitors.
So this makes TinyBuddha.com
one of the most popular,
inspirational websites on the net.
And what I really love about this
website, what I'm really excited about
is that it's a great example of how we
can actually use technology to be more
connected with each other and to live a
more kind, conscious and connected life.
So, Lori, thank you so much for the
work that you do, and thank you so much
for your time, your time to share your
knowledge and wisdom for the summit.
Oh, you're welcome.
And thank you.
It's an honor.
So I just spoke a little bit
about what TinyBuddha is, kind
of touched on a brief outline.
Could you describe in your own
words, for our viewers, what
TinyBuddha.com is all about?
Sure.
So let's see.
The site's been around for six years now
and I launched it in September, 2009.
And my intention was to create a place
where everyone could come together to
share what they've learned, what they've
been through and what they've learned
from those experiences, both to help
themselves and to help other people.
Because that's what I've found
in my personal experience is that
sharing your experiences and, and
how you've grown through, through
it and what you've learned from it
can be very cathartic and healing.
And to know that you're helping other
people with that at the same time, it's
an amazingly empowering experience.
And the site, like you mentioned,
has grown by leaps and bounds.
Over the last six years is actually
close to 2.5 million readers now.
So, and it keeps growing and I'm
thrilled to see that people are
connecting on a real authentic level.
There it's not so much the numbers, but
the fact that the people are engaging
in a meaningful way And people, you
know, a lot of the contributors often
say that they really appreciate that
it's such a kind community, open-hearted
and, and I appreciate that too.
That's the most rewarding part is that
people do really touch each other's
lives and I get to be part of that.
So that's, that's
TinyBuddha in a nutshell.
And mindfulness is a really hot topic
of conversation at TinyBuddha.com.
There's a lot on the social media and on
the blog, lots of stories about people
trying to live a more mindful life.
And I'm curious to know in your
own experience, do you have your
own personal mindset practice?
Do you practice meditation or do
you find ways to just integrate
mindfulness into your own life?
Well, I'm, I'm not a fan of routine.
In fact, I don't like for any day to look
like the day before or the day before.
So my mindfulness practice
is always changing.
What I recognized for me is that it's
important that I am not rigid with myself
and I just give myself sometime every
day to, to be in the present moment.
Whether that means mindful walking,
which is hiking or walking.
One of my favorite things
to do, just being kind of
aware of my senses in nature.
Mindful eating, which is something that's
actually really challenging for me because
I come from an Italian family where
everyone is eating really, really fast.
But that's something that I really
enjoy doing when I make the effort
to be more mindful in my eating.
Or even just deep breathing
exercises or, I love yoga.
That's something that I.
I do.
And then also I love listening to
guided meditations or, or music,
subliminal messages, uplifting
subliminal messages, whether it's
for competence or to release anxiety.
And, and it's really, every
day I let myself just choose
from one of these things.
And I find that that's what works for
me because there were a lot of options
and a lot of different things to keep
me feeling engaged and excited about the
practice, as opposed to finding it kind
of like, all right, now it's time to sit.
So that's, that's how I practice.
Yeah.
I, I kind of, I like that you, I like
that you brought that up because I think
one of the themes that keeps coming
up in this summit is that we all have
really different personality types.
You don't like, you know, for some
people they love routine and they love
getting up at the same time every day
and I'm doing, but I think, I love that
there's this message coming through
that is we all are so different.
For you, you have a menu to
choose from every day, and it
sounds like you just kind of pick
what works for you in that day.
And, and that's fine.
It it's, and it's so different
for different people.
So I'm curious as you have been doing
that, choosing from your menu and
doing different mindfulness practices
over time, what kinds of insights
or realizations have unfolded for
you over time with mindfulness?
Wow, so much.
I, I've had so many just amazing insights
through my mindfulness practice that
I, have been life-changing really.
Now but the biggest one I'd say
is that I am not my thoughts.
And that they can really hurt
me if I give power to them.
And that's something that I don't,
I, I have to remind myself of often.
I have a busy mind.
I'm a writer and I'm a thinker
and I'm always analyzing.
And that's something that
has been very helpful for me.
When I can get into my mindfulness
practice and step outside myself and, and
become aware of the thoughts I'm thinking
and realizing that I can choose what to
think and I don't have to identify them.
And also knowing that if I can
change my thoughts, then I can
minimize my emotional reactions.
And in addition to being an
over-thinker, I'm a highly
sensitive person and very emotional.
I tear up way too much.
So, but being able to be, to catch
my thoughts before they take hold and
therefore minimize my emotional reactions
has also been really life-changing.
For me, it's helped in my relationships
in a tremendous way, too, because
I'm able to observe a thought I might
have about somebody else before I
immediately jump to an emotional reaction
without having to really, without
really thinking about that thought
and where it came from and, you know.
I'm able to observe it
more and be more objective.
And also another thing in the same line
of these thoughts, that's been really
helpful for me is realizing well,
if I'm not my thoughts, then I don't
have to judge myself for my thoughts.
By realizing that they arise naturally
and I don't have to attach to them,
then I don't necessarily have to
feel bad about having those thoughts.
And that's something that
I did for a long time.
You know, I kind of compound my difficult
thoughts and feelings by then, you
know, you shouldn't be thinking that
or you shouldn't be feeling that.
And then it's just a web and
you're trapped in it.
Because then you got, then I think, well,
I shouldn't be thinking that because if I
was really mindful, then I shouldn't be.
And where does it end.
Yeah, yeah.
That's another one that's helped me.
I say another really big one
for me is letting go of control.
Because I've realized that in my life
most of the pain that I have caused
myself has been trying to maintain
a sense of control, whether it is
control of the outcome or control
of how other people see me and what
they think of me when they see me.
And, it's exhausting because
you can't control those things.
No much, you know, no
matter how much you try.
And when you're mindful, you realize
that this is the only moment you
have, trying to control other
people or the future is fruitless.
And if you do spend your time trying
to control your people or the future,
you're going to miss out on this moment.
So that's, that's another big one for me.
I have one more actually.
I have a lot.
Yeah, yeah.
Another really powerful realization
I've had through mindfulness
has been, it's helped me embrace
the, the darkest parts of myself.
The parts of myself that perhaps.
I may not be as proud of as other parts.
But in the same way, I was saying
before, that mindfulness helping,
has helped me become aware of my
thoughts and not identify with them.
I can realize and have realized through my
practice that I am not my worst mistakes.
And I don't have to hold onto
that and let it define me.
So I guess really mindfulness has helped
me forgive myself and embrace myself.
And then in doing that, be more
compassionate for others because
if I'm not my mistakes, then
they are not their mistakes.
So it's just kind of a short
list of the benefits that I've
seen from being more mindful.
So, Lori, before we started this
interview, I was telling you how
much I really appreciate this quality
that you have of authenticity.
And I think that it is a
quality that has now rippled all
throughout the Tiny Buddha culture.
And I was wondering if you had any
thoughts on what the relationship might
be between mindfulness and authenticity.
Well, I think that when you think about,
you know, if mindfulness does allow you
to untangle yourself from your thoughts
and have a little more, I guess, not
control over but the minimize your
emotional reactions really mindfulness
then is the gateway to being authentic.
Because I know for me, for example,
one of the things that prevented
me from being authentic are those
fears and worries about how people
are going to perceive me, you know,
and if they're going to accept me.
And when you can kind of quiet those
thoughts that would prevent you
from showing up as your, you know,
wherever you happen to be on that
day, it's a lot easier to just be.
I guess that's what it is.
Mindfulness is just being, and
that's what authenticity is.
Being as you are without
trying to change that, I think.
Yeah, exactly.
And it's, it's crazy that just being
is so hard to do since it would be kind
of just the natural state, but there's
all those layers of, you know, beliefs
and thoughts and fears and worries.
And mindfulness allows us to,
I don't, I don't know for me, I
haven't completely cleared them away.
But, you know, get some, you know, a
few clear spots on that window and the
more clear spots I can get on there,
the easier it is to let me be seen.
Mm.
Yeah.
And I think it's like, you know,
the thoughts, they still come, I
mean, especially, I know that my
oldest videotape in my, my mind
is the, you know, I'm not good
enough story and there's a million
different versions of that, you know?
Whatever, you know, my mind can make
up lots of kinds of stories about that.
And I, and they still
come even to this day.
But I think it's the difference that
you were talking about before is
there's this distance between me and
the thought where it's like, well, I
have a choice about whether to listen
to that or whether to believe it.
It still comes and goes, but it
just doesn't really, doesn't really
touch me anymore, which is, I
guess what you're describing as
those clear spots on the window.
It's like, well.
There are some things it's
still there, but I can see right
through it to the other side.
And it's, doesn't hold
any weight really anymore.
Yeah.
It's kind of like, I guess, turning the
radio down a little, I think, because...
Yeah, that's a good analogy.
so it's not as loud, you know, and it's
easier to kind of tune it out, I guess.
Just like, I always think, you know,
especially in the work I do, I always
wonder if people expect that you're kind
of like a before and an after picture.
Like, I had all these
fears, now I have none.
Yeah.
And then if I think that thought, I
think, I'll think, Oh, I'm a fraud or
I'll start to wonder, should I have none?
But then I'll remember the reality
is that's human to be alive, is
to have thoughts and feelings.
It's only natural.
But I think that the true, the true
journey is not to completely eliminate
those natural things, but to learn how
to re-engage with them differently.
So they don't have a grip on you
and quiet them over time, you know.
I, I do think I can tell I've
seen lots of progress over time.
And I think that's what
mindfulness is, is as a practice.
It's not, you know, perfect.
It's a practice.
Yeah, yeah.
So one of the things I, one of the things
that you and I have in common is that
we both use technology a lot, and we
both use technology to express ourselves
and to connect with other people.
And so I was wondering if you had
any tips for our viewers on how
to use tech a bit more mindfully?
Absolutely.
So this is something that I'm
always putting thought into
because I'm online a lot.
Me too.
Yeah.
Yes.
I relate to that.
I work on the web and sometimes
long days, you know, depending
on what I'm working on.
And it can be hard to disconnect
when the time comes to disconnect.
And it also can be easy to kind of
drift to other things while I'm online,
because maybe I want a break, but I,
I think, Oh, I can't take a break.
I can't get up right now.
Yeah.
So I've learned a few things that I've
found helpful for me in all different
facets of using technology, whether
it's, you know, social media or for,
for work, emailing, running my blog.
And one of the first ones
that's been helpful to me is
to get clear in my intentions.
So now, I don't use my personal social
media pages that much these days.
I hardly ever tweet on my personal
page and on my Facebook, on my
Facebook page, it's kind of sporadic.
But when I do, I always try to
ask myself, why am I posting this?
Do I want attention?
Or is there, is there something I'm trying
to get from doing this other than just
sharing it because I want to share it.
So I think that's kind of an
important thing to do is to be
aware of your intention with
anything that you're doing online.
What it is you're looking to get from it.
And then another thing is I try
to recognize when I'm just trying
to avoid just being, you know.
It's very tempting to sometimes just,
you know, surf from site to site
and read all kinds of things I don't
even need to read, just to maybe
keep myself busy doing something.
So that's something that I think is
kind of important to do is to recognize
if you're just mindlessly searching
because there's a lull or you.
Or you're in line somewhere and you
don't want to be waiting, so you're,
you know, decide to pull out your phone.
Or maybe you don't want people to think
that you're just waiting and that's a
vulnerable state of mind to just be seen,
like sitting by yourself at a restaurant
or something, so you pull out your phone.
Yeah.
So I think all those times when you're
just tempted to kind of take out
technology to avoid just being both,
you know, mindfully being in the moment
and being vulnerable or authentic,
that can be a powerful thing to do too.
I like that.
And then another thing along the lines
of, where I was mentioning kind of
hopping from site to site, to site.
I actually have a little tiny little
Buddha with a book icon on the bottom of
all the blog posts on Tiny Buddha that
truthfully, I'm not sure if people even
see it or know what it is, but it's if
you clicked on that, you'd see this,
something that says to read what you need.
And my, my thought process there is
that, you know, the web is sticky.
It's, you're going to find links to
different articles and, and there's
nothing wrong with that practice.
I do it as well.
Sometimes it's very helpful because
you can, you know, follow the link
and find more information, but it's
quite possible though, that you
don't need any more information.
You got everything you need.
So, you know, for example, if you
came online to research blenders,
and then before you know it, you're
reading about smoothies, and top
celebrities who love smoothies,
the best costumes for Halloween.
So that's one that I've found
helpful is to recognize, okay, I
don't need to keep hopping around.
I've gotten what I need.
There's an intentionality about it.
Kind of like before you start
you, like, I am here for blenders.
I am looking at blenders and
now I am finished looking
at blenders and I can stop.
Yes.
I also think it can be kind of fun to
just get lost in mindless, you know,
when, if that's the case though, but
I find it helps me to be aware of it.
Okay.
I'm going to just jump
around for about 20 minutes.
And in that way, it's not like
I just lost an hour because I
got into this addictive zone.
Be like, you know, just hopping
from quiz to Buzzfeed article.
Yeah, yeah.
So that's something that's
been really helpful.
And then for me, like I was saying before,
where I don't use my personal social
media accounts that much these days.
When I was using them more regularly,
and even now when I do, one thing
that's always been important to me
is experience now and share later.
So I've never been one to do
like live tweeting at an event.
And I, you know, had people
ask me to do that before.
Or I, I don't like the idea of
sort of posting on, I'm with,
you know, my sister right now.
I mean, cause then if you do kind of
share something in the moment, it's
tempting to look who commented on it and
who liked it, and what are they saying?
Am I, and then you're
completely missing the moment.
Yeah.
You know that you're out with
your sister, but you're not
really out with your sister.
Yeah, you're talking about it.
Yeah, not really present in either place.
Exactly.
Yeah.
That's been something that's
really helpful for me.
And then to the same extent,
along the same lines, I think
about turning FOMO around.
So that whole fear of missing out
where you tend to just sort of
like monitor everything, to see
what you know what's going on.
But then I think to myself, if you
are monitoring what's going on online,
you're also missing out on where you are.
So if you're going to be afraid
of missing out on something, be
afraid of missing out on right now.
And, you know that I was thinking
about how, like I said about routine
earlier, I don't like routine
and I kind of can very easily get
bored and feel like I'm in a rut.
And I think that that's when it's tempting
to sort of pull out, you know, your
phone or whatever when you're bored.
But then I think when you really are
truly mindful in a moment, even if it
seems similar to many moments you've
had before, if you're paying attention,
there's always a little nuance of
difference that makes it interesting.
It makes you realize that life really
isn't like Groundhog Day, but you
can only notice that if you're paying
attention, if you're open to it.
Yeah.
So that's, that's another one
for me, in terms of recognizing
when I'm turning to technology, n
that, you know, what's going on?
What am I missing out on?
And instead saying, okay, what
will I miss out on if I do that?
I love that.
Well, it's been, it's been very helpful
to me to remember that, you know,
this moment will never come again.
And I don't always remember that, but I, I
try to, I try to recognize and appreciate
little things in my environment.
And I guess the last one I'm going
to say is that, and this one's hard,
is realizing that you don't have
to respond to everyone instantly.
Right.
And that's, it's tempting
to do because I think.
We all sort of think, well, why
aren't they answering my texts?
They always have their phone right on
them, why wouldn't they write back?
And then you can start kind
of analyzing if you wanted to.
And sometimes I do, but it's, I love
to be able to, like leave my phone
upstairs and then watch a movie.
And it took me a while to be able to do
that, I think because, you know, people
will be like, you didn't answer my text
or, you know, or I'd think to myself,
well, what is something, you know, I
live across the country from my family.
So I might think to myself,
well, what if it's an emergency?
I want to know right now.
Yeah.
But it's such a sense of relief to put
my phone away and think of it as like
an answering machine from the nineties
or eighties or whatever that was, as
opposed to this thing, I have to be
like, you know, always responsive to.
People, you know, most often, there
isn't an emergency and it's not so
urgent that it needs to be right now.
And I think that if we can kind of,
for me, I know if we getting into that
mindset and allowing things to wait,
creates such a sense of relief and it's
so much easier to be in the moment.
Yeah.
Those are great practical tips.
It's funny, isn't it, like that we live
in a world today where we have to really
have these discussion about, you know,
I need to leave my device away from me.
We don't really, I think, I think we
don't realize sometimes the subtle
stress of that, of having these thing
right there that can beep and ding
and demand of you at all the time.
And it's, it is actually my, my
partner is a tech entrepreneur, so
we're really immersed in that world.
And, you know, we have those times where
we will deliberately do the same as you.
We will, you know, we're, if we're
hanging out together, we put the phones
on silent at the other end of the house.
And we, we really need that space.
So I think that's, it's just a
wonderful practical thing to just
leave your device for a little while.
Does it have to be always on us?
Yeah.
Well, you know, it's interesting.
Recently I have for the past,
like month or something, I
think I just need a new phone.
My battery dies in a matter
of like 15 minutes, but I
haven't gotten a new phone yet.
And I think I'm kind of liking the fact
that I only use it now when it's plugged
in or, cause I know that the battery
life isn't going to, you know, last.
But it's kind of freeing as I've
gotten used to more and more and
more now being like, Oh, well I
guess I have 10 minutes of phone
life, so when am I going to use it?
Yeah.
And then I, and then it's when it's off.
It's off.
Yeah, yeah.
So Lori, a big part of Tiny Buddha
culture is the sharing of quotes.
And I was wondering if you
had any favorite mindfulness
quotes that you could share.
Sure.
Well, there's one of them that ties into
what I was talking about earlier that is
probably one of my, probably my favorite
mindfulness quote is a Dan Millman quote.
And it's, "You don't have
to control your thoughts.
You just have to stop
letting them control you."
And that one is so helpful to me, both
because I mentioned before I struggled
with trying to control everything.
That's always been a challenge for me.
And, and given that thoughts
do arise naturally, and I, I've
never been able to control them.
It's been an incredible, an incredible
relief for me to realize I can stop
trying and I can also stop berating
myself at not being able to do it.
I can embrace the fact that
that's just human nature.
It's not a shortcoming.
It's not, it's not a
slight on me as a person.
It doesn't say anything about me.
But I have the power to not
attach to them and not make
meanings on the thoughts I think.
And, and so that one's
been really helpful to me.
And then there's another quote
I like quite a bit, and this is
a, an anonymous, or at least I
believe it's an unknown quote.
It's, "Worry looks around, fear
looks back, faith looks up, guilt
looks down, but I look forward."
Aww.
Nice.
I love that.
I've never heard that quote before.
Yeah.
I just, I just love that idea to not be
caught up in any of those things really,
to just focus on what's in front of you.
That's that's simple and
I, I love the message.
Yeah.
So just one more question that I have,
which is the same question that I've
been asking everybody who's taken part in
this summit and, so my question is this.
It's been said that mindfulness
has gone mainstream.
I don't really think it has.
I think it's starting to
enter mainstream culture.
It's certainly becoming de-stigmatized
and you know, much more popular.
What do you think would happen if
mindfulness really did go mainstream?
I'm talking like half the population
were, were practicing mindfulness.
What kind of a world do you
think that could create?
What kind of, the audio outed, but, you
said, what kind of world would it create
if, if mindfulness went mainstream?
Correct?
Yeah.
Got it.
Yeah.
I think it would be a world with
less suffering, less conflict.
It would be a less reactive
world, a more compassionate world.
It would be a world with fewer
misunderstandings and a world
with more people committed
to understanding each other.
And I think that that is
a, a pretty powerful thing.
People, you know, if we could be, if we
can all become aware of our own thoughts
and emotional reactions then we can be
more compassionate to other people's
thoughts and emotional reactions.
Well, that's a pretty amazing change.
Yeah.
Lori, thank you so much for your, for
your time today.I really appreciate it.
And I love the work that you do.
Is there anything else that you'd
like to share before we close?
Actually I'd love to just very briefly
tell the listeners a little bit about
my book that's about to come out since
it's perfectly timed with this event.
Yeah.
We'd love to hear that.
It's coming out October 6, and I'm
really excited about it and proud of it.
And it's called Tiny Buddha's
365 Tiny Love Challenges.
And what the book is, is it's a year's
worth of daily activities that people
can do to strengthen their relationships
with their loved ones, to, you know,
turn strangers into friends and to
create greater love in the world.
So it's really about, you know,
relationships on every level.
And every month has a theme,
whether it's compassion and
understanding, or anger and forgiving.
And every week starts with stories
from members of the Tiny Buddha
community that are related to
the challenges in that week.
So I think it's a really fun, creative
book that I hope will inspire people to
open up more in their relationships, to
let people in, and to strengthen their
relationships and to form new ones.
So if people want to learn about that,
they can go to TinyBuddha.com/lovebook.
Yeah.
So thanks again so much for your time.
And thanks everybody for tuning
in and we'll see you next time.
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Just a small sample of the life-changing 5-star reviews we get on a daily basis.
Vidyamala’s tips on catching anger as it’s happening or about to happen are great - clear, practical, and doable.
- Vicoir
The little talks before the meditations are priceless. It's like I've found my peeps. The topics, the quotes, the goals—it all makes so much sense to me, things I want to be thinking and learning about. Most importantly, the meditations are kindness-centered, which I love. It feels like a new way to approach meditation.
- Lauren
Incredible, easy to navigate app. I would highly recommend this app to anyone who wishes to reduce stress and anxiety or simply as an aid to improve overall mental health.
- Kirtus
I love how the app gives me pointers to new things to explore.
- Lydia
So calm and soothing. I love the new bundle with Kelly Boys, she’s brilliant!
- EJ
Better than Headspace. I've had the paid version of both apps, and I must say I enjoy this one better.
- Gina, Plus+ Member
I am very new to meditation, and am so happy that my first introduction to it has been through this app
The first session was fantastic. I feel safe. And supported. Almost like having someone helping me through my difficult time. I’m very grateful for this app.
- Babi
You get a lot of useful tips for handling stress and anxiety in 'real life'.
- Joy
Highly recommend.
- Humanfrst
Kelly Boys is hands down the best. Everytime I click on one of her guided meditations I get excited for the calmness that lies ahead.
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