Hi, it's Rhonda Magee.

And I've been asked to

answer this question.

How do I become my best friend

when I really don't like myself?

I have to admit that, you know,

I feel a little bit of sadness

when I hear this question.

My heart goes out to you if

you are feeling this right now.

And at the same time, I

completely understand it.

It's very relatable.

I think, I myself have had these moments

when I, you know, didn't like myself.

or I certainly have moments when I can I

feel, like just a part of me that kind of

doesn't, you know, isn't loving to myself.

So again, I don't think we're alone

when we have these kinds of feelings.

So I can say that feeling, this, an

underlying this kind of question, often,

you know, it's, for some of us, it

just might be a fleeting experience.

But for others, there might be some

kind of deeply embedded sense that we,

you know, don't have a lot of worth.

And it might be really, really a kind of

a deep structure that we're working with.

So whatever the degree to which this

is a question that resonates with you,

I want to just invite an opening up to

just a sort of inner, loving friend.

Right?

Frankly, that must be a part

of your experience somewhere,

however, difficult to, to really

be with, or else you wouldn't be

listening to my voice right now.

So please just take a moment to really

recognize this bit of good news.

Again, the fact that you are here now,

listening to my voice is a sign that

something in you knows that this idea

that you don't like yourself is really

just maybe an idea, or maybe it's an

idea that you, some part of you is ready

to let go of and to work on releasing.

It's just a habit of thought that

somehow has taken root in your heart and

mind, this idea, I don't like myself.

But it's one that some part

of you is really ready to

weed out and to begin again.

So what I'm going to share here are

just a couple of ways of working with

this feeling and giving yourself really

a supportive foundation on which to

build a sense of feeling more friendly

to yourself on a regular basis.

So the first thing is just to

see that this feeling, this

thought is just another form.

It's another one of these kinds

of obstacles to meditation

practice and mindfulness.

There are lots of them.

There are a number of standard

hindrances to practicing.

And this one is what's

often called aversion.

Again, another, it's another kind of

resistance to just allowing yourself

to be, to be full of your own presence,

your own worthiness, your own gifts.

And so knowing that these kinds of

hindrances occur to all of us, are

obstacles that, in one way or another,

we're all kind of working with, helps

us to sort of, you know, let go of

the judgment that can come up when we

realize that we are kind of standing

in our own way somehow as we turn

toward the opportunity to practice.

In this case, to practice a

self-compassion and befriending ourselves

.

So I want to invite you then to

explore practicing with working with

this particular kind of aversion.

This way of holding the invitation

to befriend yourself that immediately

causes this kind of allergic reaction.

I don't really like myself.

How can I be my own friend?

So just first pause.

Take a deep breath.

For me, I'm already placing one hand

over the heart because there's such a

tenderness that comes up for me when

I really turn toward this as a, you

know, an actual experience that those,

one or more of many people listening

to my voice right now might be feeling.

And because I know how painful this is,

that hand is already over the heart.

And I would invite you to do the same,

if you're feeling this right now.

So as you explore that this is just one

example, it can feel almost like self

hatred, or just a kind of, you know,

difficulty seeing yourself as your

own best friend, take a deep breath.

And just notice.

This is an example of me pushing

away, being aversive to, resisting an

invitation to see, to be present, to

explore who I am more deeply and to

disrupt the kind of habit of mine that

some part of me is ready to let go of.

Once you can see this in yourself, see

that this is just one of a number of

common ways that we as humans actually

latch on to, habits of mind and habits

of thought that create more suffering

than any one of us really deserves.

Once you see that in yourself, you

might smilingly let go of judgment

about it, but with a kind of openness

to being, you know, aware of your

own humanity, to this extent.

Just invite working with this

particular hindrance with a

practice called loving kindness.

Now this is a practice that I

introduce quite frequently in my work.

It's a core practice for cultivating

more of this capacity to meet

our own suffering with love.

So a short version of the

practice, which I'm just going

to offer here in an introductory

sense, invites, yeah, pausing.

So if you'll do this with me right now.

Pause.

Feel.

Haa.

The sense of the in-breath.

The out-breath, wherever

you happen to be right now.

Just take a cleansing breath and feel

the ground beneath you as a support.

And then just rest in the in-breath and

the out-breath, just for a few moments.

Then feeling this hand over the

heart, maybe the other hand, just

over the, so part of the belly,

just beneath the belly button.

Really important nerve center there

where we feel deeply our intuition.

So just resting with these, our

hands, perhaps on these important

points of, of energy in the body.

In ways that my students sometimes

say this is like giving ourselves a

hug, but just breathing in and out.

Resting with the feeling of these,

our own hands, your own beautiful

hands, your loving hands on these

beautiful parts of your own body.

So now from this place of pausing and

gently offering support and love to

yourself, call to mind someone from whom

you've already felt love and support.

So this is a kind of shift

into a visualization practice.

So you might imagine being with

that person right now, or perhaps

feeling their hand in yours.

And on the next in breath, as you breathe

in, really see if you can breathe in more

of the sense of the felt sense of being

in that person's presence, the warmth.

The acceptance, the love.

And on the next out-breath, imagine

that you're offering to that person

around whom you felt this natural

kind of friendliness and acceptance.

Imagine offering to that person

the wish for their own wellbeing,

kindness, self care, and compassion.

And you could, if you want,

repeat this phrase silently.

As if you're offering it to this person.

May you be filled with loving kindness.

May you be well.

May you be safe.

May you be at ease.

If you're like me, there might be

a smile coming on your face as you

imagine offering this to this person

who has been a source of love,

kindness, friendship in your own life.

And now, the invitation is to turn

those same, very loving, gentle

phrases and invite the willingness

to offer them to ourselves.

And this, again might be more or less

difficult, if we really are struggling

with feelings of unworthiness or the

sense that we don't like ourselves.

But just see if you can bake it right

now just a little bit and just give

up the resistance and just experiment

with this phrase, offering these same

gentle phrases toward yourself now.

And you could imagine yourself right here,

right now as you are, or if it helps,

imagining yourself as an infant, totally

innocent, totally deserving of love.

Or at some prior point where you would

have really benefited from a friend.

So the invitation here is to offer that

friendliness to yourself, as best you can,

by offering those same gentle phrases.

May you be filled with loving kindness.

May you be at ease.

May you be safe.

Offering those gentle phrases

right to yourself right now.

Now it may seem a little unnatural

or unusual for you, but pausing and

offering phrases like this to yourself

may be just what you need to begin

to actually feel more softness, more

kindness, more love towards yourself.

Start just like this.

Repeat this phrase.

May I be filled with loving kindness.

May I be well.

May I be safe.

Offering this kind of love to yourself

with a gesture perhaps of a hand

over the heart, your own heart.

Just see if doing so might began to help

reset the foundation, your foundation

for this shift, this mind shift toward

being able to be your own best friend.

Keep up these simple gentle practices

as frequently as you can, certainly

on a daily basis, just as a period

of, just for a period of time, just

to see what might be the benefit for

you of engaging in these intentionally

loving practices for yourself.

It might take awhile, but if you're

like me, over time, you will feel just

a little bit more kind to yourself and

deserving of your own loving friendship.

I wish you much support on your journey.

Be kind and gentle to yourself from here.