Hi, it's Kelly Boys here. I've been asked to answer the question: I've just had a relationship breakdown. How do I move forward? If you're listening to this, I'm guessing you're going through this experience yourself. And I want to say that I really feel for you. Most of us have been there.

I can relate to this question, thinking of times when I've been in a relational breakdown and wondering how to move forward. And I want to share two pointers that have helped me. And the first one I'd like to share is to be in self-care, no matter if it's a sudden breakdown or a chronic lack of connection, maybe leading to some kind of a separation. There are many forms of relationship breakdown and of primacy as any of us go through this is to be in self-care. And how do we do that? Well, find the ways of taking care of yourself, that you may have lost connection with in the relationship and return to them.

So that may be exercising or eating right or taking more personal space. But the idea is that you focus on self-care. One thing that can happen when we have a breakdown in relationship is we can become destabilized in our psyche and in our being. Our connections are so profoundly important in terms of co-regulation, having needs met, having things that are stable and known, and it can be really disruptive. So when we do have some kind of a breakdown in relationship,our first move needs to be toward regulating our bodies, our minds with self-care.

I know for myself in times like this, I've spent more time in nature and reading, connecting with friends. Even just a very little thing, like making yourself a nice meal can make a huge difference. Our bodies and minds know when we are oriented to taking care of ourselves. One theory is to broaden and build your connections. And this is where you open up your vista to new experiences and this builds resilience as you consider how to move forward.

So in other words, it's like seeing life and little things in life as opportunities, rather than as further confirmation that everything's gone wrong. So if you do these things, the next steps do appear to you. And another pointer for moving forward after a breakdown is to look at the patterns that you may have participated in during the relationship. It can be easy to blame the other. But for instance, think of what was most disappointing to you about your partner, how they weren't there for you, like taking care of you in ways that made you feel loved and cared for, or maybe you didn't feel listened to when you had something going on.

So notice what your disappointments are and your frustrations around the needs that weren't met, and then give that very thing to yourself. So you take it inward, you take care of yourself, listen to yourself. When we have this kind of breakdown, we can often spin in cycles of thinking, Oh, we didn't get our needs met in one way or the other. It's all their fault. And it could be true that they didn't meet our needs in certain ways that are important in relationship and something that we want to move toward in the future.

Yet, in order to move forward, we need to grow capacity to give those things to ourselves. S o we aren't overly dependent on others who are basically proving that they can't provide those things to us. Yeah, it's a set up for heartbreak when we keep asking for needs to be met and they keep not being met. And it's also the definition of insanity, doing something over and over again, expecting a new result. So we take it into our own hands and we take the ownership of providing for our own needs.

Deeply listening to and responding to our own concerns, our deep grief, our heartache. And that way we're building relationship with ourselves and it's more likely in moving forward we'll meet someone who can do the things we're learning to do for ourselves and are capable of doing for them. I look at it this way. Every breakdown, when met deeply is an opportunity. And as you meet these patterns in yourself, see this as a season, it's a beginning, middle and end.

This time of change, and it's a precious time and an opportunity to reconnect with yourself through self-care, through providing for your needs/ and allow this quality of grace to move through the whole process and just keep your eyes open, see what kind of magic might happen. And watch as the moving forward does happen naturally when we allow ourselves to go through the season of change and transition. Thank you for your practice and I wish you well as you work with relationship breakdown. Remember today, be gentle and see the beauty around you and most importantly, be kind to yourself.